This morning we are jumping back into our series: Biblical Principles for Powerful Relationships. We started two weeks ago, took last Sunday off, but now we’re back, and true to my word, we are going to tackle this second Biblical principle: Powerful relationships begin when we learn to set healthy boundaries. We are only doing a few weeks of messages on relationships, and I wanted to include this topic because when it comes to relationships, building boundaries is foundationally important. It doesn’t matter whether we are talking about marriage, children and parents, friendships, or work relationships; boundaries are important because:
1. Boundaries Protect What We Value
Many years ago, when Madison, my oldest daughter, was about 6, we had a dog. His name was Raleigh. He was part lab and part whippet, if you know what that is. It’s like a small greyhound. He was a good dog. The girls loved him. But he had a fatal flaw. He could jump. And I mean jump. We had an enormous backyard at the time, surrounded by a four-foot chain-link fence. Because the yard was so big, Raleigh could get a running start and clear the fence without even trying. Frequently, we would get a phone call from a particular neighbor down the street: “Hey, Raleigh’s here.” So I faced a dilemma: I liked Raleigh, and the girls loved him, but he was a flight risk. So what do we do with Raleigh? Well, I ended up going all the way around our backyard, which, again, was enormous, and I extended the height of our four-foot chain-link fence another three feet. It looked like a prison courtyard. The only thing we were missing were the guard towers.
It was a ton of work, and it was kind of expensive, but I liked Raleigh, and he was a valuable part of our family, so we did what was necessary to make sure he didn’t get crushed by a car. We built a boundary that could keep him in. If I hadn’t liked Raleigh so much, believe me, I never would have made the ridiculous effort to build up the fence, but because he was important and valuable to us, we made the effort.
The same way I built a fence for Raleigh, we need to have fences, or boundaries, around the relationships we decide are important in our lives.
When we decide what we value and set boundaries around those things, we can build deeper, more powerful relationships.
We put boundaries around the things we want to protect.
When we set a boundary around a relationship to protect it, we communicate how much we value it. If I say I value a relationship but never make room to protect it, my actions may eventually communicate something very different from my words.
Boundaries allow me to say “yes” to the most important relationships in my life.
Jesus was a master at this.
2. Jesus Showed Us How To Say Yes and No
Let me show you how He did that.
Many times, Jesus declared that He had come to do the will of His Father in Heaven. This was, He said, the reason He came from Heaven. He came to do what His Father wanted Him to do. Jesus understood His assignment. He said this in John 6:
Jn 6:38 (CSB)—For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of him who sent me.
How did He know His Father’s will? He knew because He spent time alone with His Father. To do that, He had to prioritize time alone with Him. Look at this account in Mark:
Mk 1:35-38 (CSB)—Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he got up, went out, and made his way to a deserted place; and there he was praying. Simon and his companions searched for him, and when they found him they said, “Everyone is looking for you.” And he said to them, “Let’s go on to the neighboring villages so that I may preach there too. This is why I have come.”
All these people were going to the disciples, looking for the guy who could heal them or the guy who could feed them. They all wanted something Jesus could give them, but because doing the Father’s will was important, Jesus prioritized time with His Father.
Luke said that Jesus did this often.
Luke 5:15-16 (CSB)—But the news about him spread even more, and large crowds would come together to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. Yet he often withdrew to deserted places and prayed.
Jesus set boundaries that reflected what mattered to Him. What mattered to Him was His relationship with His Father. Even though people loved Him, and even though He was perhaps the only one who could give many of them what they needed, Jesus still set boundaries to protect what mattered to Him. That meant saying no to lots of people who probably had genuine needs.
I think this is where many of us get hung up. A need is not automatically a call from God. There are needs all around us. Some of them are legitimate. Some of them are urgent. Some of them are even things we could help with.
But a need is not automatically a calling.
Jesus had needs all around Him, and He still withdrew to pray. I’m not saying you never meet needs, but just because the need exists doesn’t mean it’s your burden to carry.
Jesus didn’t respond to every need in every place at every moment. Jesus sometimes said no because He knew what He was saying yes to. He was saying yes to what mattered most. He didn’t let the needs of the crowd determine the priorities of His life. His relationship with the Father did.
If Jesus, who was filled with compassion for the lost, had boundaries, then we need them too.
But:
3. We Can’t Say Yes Until We Say No
Jesus often said no. In Mark 6, Jesus fed thousands of people with five loaves and two fish. Guess what He did as soon as they had eaten? He left the crowd behind so He could go and pray. Thousands had come to hear Him and be healed by Him, but He didn’t teach or heal everyone. Sometimes He said no so that He could say yes to what mattered.
Every yes costs something.
When we say yes to this, we’re saying no to something else.
When we say yes to another meeting, we’re saying no to time with our family.
When we say yes to another person’s crisis, we’re saying no to rest.
When we say yes to another commitment, we’re saying no to something else we could have done.
The problem is we can’t say yes to what we value until we learn to say no because we only have so many yeses to give.
Learn from Jesus here! There are lots of people in your life that have genuine needs, but you have limited resources, and you alone have the power to choose how you use those resources. That means you have to be willing to say no.
I learned this lesson the hard way the first year Stacey and I were married. The first month we were married, my mom decided it was time to end her marriage to my stepdad. Here, I have a new bride I took from her family and convinced to marry me and move to Oregon, where she didn’t know anyone. But my mother frequently calls me and asks for help with her car, her apartment, or just some emotional encouragement.
What I didn’t understand was that every time I said yes to my mom, I was saying no to Stacey. I wasn’t trying to hurt Stacey. I wasn’t intentionally choosing my mom over my wife. I just hadn’t learned that saying yes to everyone and everything eventually means saying no to someone.
I knew Stacey needed to become a priority. But I couldn’t make her a priority if everyone else had unlimited access to me.
Now, what I have learned is:
4. Not Everyone Gets Equal Access
Jesus didn’t treat every relationship in exactly the same way. There were the crowds of people who had some access to Him. Then, there were the Twelve Disciples who had much greater access. Then there were Peter, James and John whom He brought into certain intimate moments. And John in particular. He was the disciple Jesus turned to and asked that He care for His mother Mary as He was dying on the cross. And then there were people like Mary, Martha, and Lazarus with whom Jesus had a particular friendship.
But He reserved the greatest access for His Heavenly Father.
My point is this: Jesus loved people deeply, but He didn’t give everyone the same level of access to His life.
As I said, this looks different for everyone. For me, I have lots of meetings during the week and if you and I are meeting and my wife calls, I will always answer my phone because that’s the kind of access my wife has. If my kids call, I will most likely answer or at least call back right after my meeting. Not everyone gets that kind of access.
Not everyone should get equal access, so not everyone gets the same amount of our time.
Not everyone should get the same amount of our emotional energy.
Not everyone should get the same access to our private lives.
Not everyone should have the same authority in our decisions.
Not everyone should have the same availability from us.
This doesn’t mean that some people have more value than others. It means some relationships carry greater responsibility.
And that’s okay.
That’s not because we love some people and don’t love others.
It’s because relationship creates responsibility, and responsibility requires boundaries.
Last week we talked about choosing people. And I said this: Unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional access. Setting a boundary doesn’t mean I’m rejecting you. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means I’m taking responsibility for what God has entrusted to me.
Doing this requires something. Let’s be honest, setting boundaries is hard on a good day.
5. Healthy Boundaries Require Courage
It’s one thing to know that I need to set boundaries, but it’s another thing to be able to say to someone, “No, I can’t do that.”
I’ve said it a couple of times already, but I’ll say it again. Every situation and relationship is unique. I hope you can take these principles and shape them into useful tools for your situation. Here are some questions you can ask yourself before you say yes to something or someone.
Carry it.
Ask yourself, “Is this mine to carry?”
Not every problem is your responsibility. Sometimes, when we fail to set good boundaries in our relationships, we not only say no to what we value, but we may also be circumventing something God may want to do. This may not be yours to carry, but it may be something for someone else to carry.
Count it.
Ask yourself, “What will this yes require me to say no to?”
Saying yes to one thing requires you to say no to something else.
Check it.
Ask yourself, “Is this consistent with what God has called me to value?”
What have you determined are the relationships you value? Is
Sometimes the most important word you can say is no. Not because you don’t care. Not because you’re selfish. Not because the other person doesn’t matter.
But because you understand that your time, your energy, your attention, and your relationships are gifts from God, and you are responsible for how you steward them.
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I built that fence around our backyard because Raleigh was valuable to our family. The fence wasn’t there to punish Raleigh. The fence was there because our family loved him. And maybe that’s a different way for some of us to think about boundaries. Boundaries aren’t always about keeping people out or punishing people. Sometimes they’re about protecting what’s important.
Maybe you’ve been thinking about boundaries as something you build against people.
But maybe God wants you to think about boundaries as something you build for something.
For your marriage.
For your family.
For your friendships.
For your relationship with Jesus.
For your calling, so you can do the things God has created you to do..
And sometimes protecting those things requires you to say no.
Jesus knew what mattered. He knew what His Father had called Him to do. This meant He couldn’t give everyone everything they wanted.
So Jesus said yes to the Father—and sometimes that meant saying no to the crowd. Maybe the question isn’t, “Who do I need to say no to?” Maybe the better question is:
What has God asked me to say yes to—and what boundaries do I need to create so I can say yes?
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