Less Chaos, Better Conflict

Today is the last message in our series: The Thing About Relationships.

The Thing About Relationships 

Over the past several weeks, the things about relationships that we have talked about were, first, becoming less distant, more present. The next week we talked about becoming less selfish and more selfless. Then we covered becoming less critical and more kind.  And a couple of weeks ago we talked about becoming less oblivious and more self-aware. 

This is not just a random list of things that we ought to do to have better relationships. These are things about relationships that will strengthen our connection with the people whom we have those relationships—this includes your friendships, relationships with coworkers, children, parents, and especially your relationship with your spouse.

It’s all about Connection

It’s all about getting the love flowing back and forth.  It’s all about closing the distance between us, learning to serve and encourage one another, and understanding how my habits, emotions, and reactions impact you.  

When we do those things, they strengthen our connection. We need strong connections in our relationships because… conflict is inevitable.  We need a depth of connection, especially in our most important relationships, because the inevitable conflicts will put a strain on those connections.  That is why we need to intentionally strengthen those connections.

I know for many of us, the idea of having conflict creates a lot of anxiety because of past experiences.  Perhaps you’ve had a conflict in the past that got ugly. Maybe some of your conflicts led to emotional or even physical violence.

Understandably, the topic of conflict in relationships can bring anxiety.  But as long as we have other people in our lives, there will be conflict.  

The goal for followers of Jesus is not to avoid conflict, but to engage in conflict and still honor Him.

That is why the title of my sermon today is Less Chaos, Better Conflict.

Less Chaos, Better Conflict

Some Christians think that all conflict is wrong.  They think if you have conflict, someone is not being Christlike, but I have news for you: Jesus had a lot of conflict.

Jesus had conflict with His family in John 2 when His mother wanted Him to do something about the wine that was running low at a family wedding.

In Mark 3, His family basically called him crazy.

Jesus had conflict with His disciples on many occasions.  At one point, when Jesus reveals that He will be killed but rise again after three days, Peter then takes Jesus aside to say he would never let Jesus be killed, but Jesus responds like this:

Mk 8:33 (CSB)—But turning around and looking at his disciples, he rebuked Peter and said, “Get behind me, Satan! You are not thinking about God’s concerns but human concerns.”

Jesus had a great deal of conflict with the religious system in Israel. John 2:15, Matthew 21:12–13; Mark 11:15–17; Luke 19:45–46 are all accounts of Jesus overturning the tables of those who were extorting money in the Temple in Jerusalem.

He had many run-ins with the religious leaders in Israel.  He called them out on their hypocrisy, the errors in their theology, and the heavy burden they put on the people of Israel.  That conflict ultimately led to Jesus’ arrest, torture, and death by execution on a cross.

So if you think that being like Jesus means not having conflict, you’re wrong.  The real question we ought to be asking is, what does Jesus teach us about correct mindsets and behavior when we do have conflict?

What does Jesus teach us about conflict?

The first thing to note about conflict is found in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5.

Matt 5:23-24 (CSB)—So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.

Jesus says if you are coming to worship but you know there is conflict between you and someone, go take care of the conflict first.

Jesus says:

Address Conflict

Don’t sweep it under the rug.  Don’t ignore it, hoping it will go away.  As uncomfortable as it may be, deal with it because unresolved conflict is a distraction and a burden.

Author, Lynn Buzzard writes about the ten sure ways to turn a disagreement into a feud. The number one way she says:

“Be sure to develop and maintain a healthy fear of conflict, letting your own feelings build up so you are in an explosive frame of mind.”

—Lynn Buzzard

When hurt feelings, misunderstandings, or unmet needs turn into bitterness, dealing with those emotions and feelings not only becomes exponentially more difficult, but it can easily poison the connection in a relationship.  Then, as that bitterness expands it becomes this incredible burden that keeps you awake at night, that constantly occupies your mind.  Instead of peace, love and joy, you carry the weight of bitterness.

That is why Paul said—

Eph 4:26-27 (CSB)—Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the devil an opportunity.

Notice, he doesn’t say, don’t get angry, but rather, when you do get angry don’t sin by letting bitterness set in. I imagine our enemy, the devil, gets great satisfaction out of seeing bitterness destroy our connections.  Don’t give him the opportunity. Don’t give him the satisfaction of wrecking another relationship.

In the Sermon on the Mount, when Jesus says to leave your gift at the altar and go address your conflict, not only is He wanting you to address the conflict but He is prioritizing connection.  Before you do this thing that is important, do this other thing that is more important.

Prioritize Connection

Connection is the goal.  Being right is not the goal. Bending your spouse’s will to your own is not the goal.  

Sharing your needs is important. Coming up with a solution is important.  Talking about feelings is important. Addressing bad behavior is important.  But the priority, the number one goal, should always be connection.  

When you are having conflict, ask yourself:

• What do I need to do? 
• How do I need to behave? 
• How do I need to speak? 

If my priority is connection?

If you can prioritize connection, then you can weather some tough conversations.

Stacey and I have had some really tough conversations over our 40 years together.  5 years of dating and 35 years of marriage gives you lots of opportunity for conflict.  Because we have prioritized connection in our relationship, I know even though we may have conflict, she is all in and she knows I’m all in.  When you demonstrate that you are all in, it removes the fear and the anxiety from conflict.

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Who is Jesus speaking to here in Matthew 5?  He says, “when you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, go and be reconcilled.”  

When He says “you”, He’s not necessarily saying you are wrong so go appologize, but He’s saying when you realize there’s a problem between you and your brother, go figure it out, seek to understand the conflict. What have I done to hurt you?  What have I done or said, or didn’t do, that has created this problem?”

Jesus says seek understanding.

Seek Understanding

Proverbs 4:7 says it this way:

Prov 4:7 (CSB)—Wisdom is supreme—so get wisdom. And whatever else you get, get understanding.

Proverbs 18 says it this way:

Prov 18:13 (CSB)—The one who gives an answer before he listens—this is foolishness and disgrace for him.

You may have heard it put this way: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.  Many people attribute this phrase to Stephen Covey in his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, but it most likely originated in the Prayer of Saint Francis of Assasi who lived between 1182 and 1226.  Where did St. Francis get the phrase, probably from the Proverbs I just read or perhaps from Philippians 2.

Phil 2:3 (CSB)—Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.

Seeking to understand is not hard.  Just ask questions.  What did I do that hurt you?  Why did it make you feel that way?  What can I do to make sure that I don’t hurt you like that again?  Just ask questions.

Don’t defend yourself by saying things like, “You just misunderstood.” or “I didn’t mean it that way.”  Whether you meant it or not is irrelevant when you’re seeking understanding.  When you seek to understand, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see from their perspective.

All of that is based solely on two verses in Matthew 5.  There are many other things that Jesus taught about conflict.  Ask ChatGPT what Jesus taught about conflict, or better yet, read through the gospels and see what Jesus said.  He gives us lots of instructions on this topic.

One final mindset Jesus taught, that is foundational to dealing with conflict. It’s one that you could probably guess, but maybe the toughest.

Forgive Quickly and Frequently

When Peter asks Jesus if he should forgive someone who has offended him as many a seven times, what does Jesus say?  

Matt 18:22 (CSB)—I tell you, not as many as seven,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven.

And then Jesus goes on to tell the parable of the unmerciful servant where the point of the parable is that because God has completely forgiven us for our past, present, and future sins, we need to extend that same kind of forgiveness to those who sin against and offend us.

Why is it important to understand that our forgiveness should be limitless?  Jesus wasn’t saying you should forgive someone 490 times, then you are no longer obligated.

John Gottman, at the University of Washington, has amassed an enormous body of research that has allowed him to predict with 96% accuracy whether a marriage will end in divorce within the first three years.

There are several key findings that emerged from that research, but one of the most notable is that 69% of all marriage problems are deemed unsolvable.  Let that sink in for a moment.  In other words, for every 10 things you and your spouse have conflict over, seven of those will never be resolved.

Let me ask you again: Why is it important to understand Jesus’ instruction to forgive seventy times seven?  Pretty important.

Whether it is your marriage, a friendship, your parents, or your children, forgive quickly and frequently.

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The reality is that all relationships have conflict, but how we view that conflict is key.

married couples perceive that conflict and choose to manage that conflict is the difference between couples that make it long term and those that don’t.

Those that don’t make it will talk about conflict like this: “We fought. It was awful. In fact, my partner is awful.”

Those that do make it long term in their relationship will talk about their conflict like this: “We fought. It was awful but we worked it out and now we’re better than ever.”

Author Jonah Lehrer who wrote A Book About Love, where he focuses on Gottman’s research, says it this way:

“It’s how you interpret what happened. Nobody is happy on mile 20 of the marathon. And if the story stops there, it’s not a good one. But if you pass the finish line, the struggle makes the victory that much sweeter. And those are the stories that happy couples tell.”

—Jonah Lehrer

Let me wrap up with a suggestion that was really helpful for Stacey and I early in our marriage and we were having some pretty intense conflict.  We came up with rules for engagement.

Even the UFC has rules for their fights.  You can’t eye gouge, you can’t pull hair, you can’t punch your opponent in the throat.  You get the idea.  Now, hopefully your marriage isn’t like a mixed martial arts fight, but you should still have rules.  

If you don’t have this or something like this in your marriage, my guess is your experiencing more chaos and less good conflict.  Hopefully you can think of some rules of engagement that will help you have better conflict.  Here are a few ideas:

Rules of Engagement:

• No one leaves during an argument.  You can go to another part of the house, but you can’t leave the premises.
• There are certain things you cannot say—things like: I hate you, maybe we should just get divorced, or name calling, etc …
• No throwing things or punching holes in walls.
• You must pray for each other, together.
• No recruiting allies.  Keep your conflict, your conflict.

One final thing: There’s a difference between conflict and abuse. If you are experiencing emotional or physical abuse, recruit allies! Talk to someone and get help. We all have disagreements and frustrations in relationships but abuse—when someone is trying to control, manipulate, or dominate someone through emotional manipulation or physical violence, is not conflict. That is abuse! If you are the victum of abuse, seek help!