Less Oblivious, More Aware

In your relationships, whether with your spouse, a friend, or a co-worker, have you ever felt like the person you have a relationship with is oblivious to who you are? They want you to see the world only through their lens, not your unique lens.  Of course, we all have people like that in our lives.  That is why it is so vital that we become more aware in our relationships.

This is week 4 of our series The Thing About Relationships.

First, we talked about becoming more present.  Then, we talked about becoming less selfish.  Last week we talked about becoming less critical.  This week the thing about relationships we want to talk about is becoming less oblivious and more aware.

Less Oblivious, More Aware.

 As always, Jesus is our example here. He modeled this perfectly for us. Jesus knew exactly who he was and why he had come.

In John 13, just before the passover meal, before Jesus is arrested, tortured, and murdered, it says this:

Jn 13:3-5 (CSB)—Jesus knew that the Father had given everything into his hands, that he had come from God, and that he was going back to God. So he got up from supper, laid aside his outer clothing, took a towel, and tied it around himself. Next, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet and to dry them with the towel tied around him.

Jesus goes on to demonstrate how He, God’s Son, did not come to be served but to serve.  He did this to show us an example that we should follow.  Jesus’ understanding of who He was had a huge impact on how he related to other people.

And because He knew who He was, Jesus was able to understand the people around him.

In Mark 2, we read the account of Jesus healing the man who was lowered through the roof of a house by his friends. The house Jesus was at was so crowded that a paralytic’s friends lowered him through the roof so they could get to Jesus and see their friend healed. But some religious leaders stood around, judging Jesus for healing this guy.

In Mk 2:8 (CSB)—Right away Jesus perceived in his spirit that they were thinking like this within themselves and said to them, “Why are you thinking these things in your hearts?

Jesus was keyed into the thoughts, motivations, and emotions of the people He interacted with. Whether it was the feelings and thoughts of His disciples, the Samaritan woman at the well, or Zacchaeus watching him from a tree, Jesus was always keyed in not only to himself but also to the people around Him.

Scripture clearly demonstrates that God has wired us for relationships. Not only has He wired us but relationships are a great mirror to show us things about ourselves. Without relationships, we cannot fulfill our design as God’s sons and daughters. A key part of having godly relationships is self-awareness. 

I love it when science confirms what the Bible has taught for thousands of years.

Ian Morgan Cron, world-renowned psychotherapist and pastor, puts it this way:

“The key predictor of success in human relationships, not just husband and wife, but as parents, as friends, as colleagues, in every sphere, the key predictor of success in relationships is self-awareness.”

—Ian Morgan Cron 

That’s a pretty big deal.  The degree to which you want to have good relationships is based on your ability to be self-aware!  It’s not communication, or romance, or trust and honesty.  Those may be important but they aren’t the key ingredient in a successful marriage or a good friendship.

He doesn’t just pull this out of thin air. Cornell University’s massive study on the characteristics of very successful CEOs confirmed this. It wasn’t grit, determination, or strategic planning. The completely unexpected result of the study found that the single greatest predictor of success in leaders is self-awareness.

Cron looked at that research and began to incorporate it into his work with couples. Come to find out, self-awareness not only predicts the success of leaders but also predicts our success in relationships.

What is self-awareness? 

Self-awareness is self-knowledge leading to an awareness of how my personality, emotions, and actions affect other people. 

How do my habitual, predictable ways of acting and feeling serve me or defeat me? 

How do I become aware and regulate the way I act, think, and feel in the moment so I can move through the world with more emotional wisdom, kindness, love, thoughtfulness, and consciousness, so I’m not just on autopilot, banging guardrail to guardrail through people’s lives.

How do I become less oblivious and more aware?

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Becoming less oblivious and more aware begins with understanding ourselves.

King David pleads with God to help him understand himself when he writes this in Psalm 139:

Ps 139:23-24 (CSB)—Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way. 

In other words, God, show me myself. Show me if there are things I do, think, or feel that are undermining my relationship with you. David recognized his need to see beyond the surface in the moment. He wanted God to show him his motivations.

“God, peel back the surface layers and help me confront the things inside of me that drive me to do things that do not honor you.”

Asking God to examine your heart and being willing to deal honestly with the things you come to understand about yourself requires humility.

Pastor Erwin McManus says this about humility:

Humility is not about having a low self-image or poor self-esteem. Humility is about self-awareness.”

 —Erwin McManus

Jesus said this about humility:

Lk 14:11 (CSB)—For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and the one who humbles himself will be exalted.

When Jesus washes His disciples feet, what is Jesus teaching them?  Humility.  Jesus taught the first will be last and the last will be first.  Greatness begins with humility.

If you want great relationships, humbly ask God to examine your heart.

This past weekend, Stacey did something minor that really frustrated me. It affected my attitude and how I dealt with her the rest of the morning. I had to stop and ask God why I was feeling the way I was. Why did such a minor thing frustrate me so much? That self-reflection led to some good conversation, and not only did it help me understand myself better, but it also helped me extend grace to my wife and understand her better.

The cumulative result of all that was good for our relationship.

When was the last time you asked God why you are feeling or reacting a certain way?

Many things lead us to do the things we do. It could be something in our personality or our love language, or something in our past could lead us to feel and react in specific ways. 

Strong emotional reactions often reveal unhealed places in our lives. Considering how our past hurts, trauma, wounds, and experiences impact us, helps us manage and regulate our responses to people

We don’t generally cause damage in relationships because we are intentionally trying to hurt someone. We all feel, act, and react the way we do for a reason.  Ask God to help you understand why you do what you do.

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Becoming less oblivious and more aware changes how we see and treat others.

Emotional awareness begins with letting God search our hearts and reveal what drives, wounds, and shapes us. We can’t love others well if we don’t understand what’s happening inside us.

Prov 20:5 (ESV)—The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. 

This is Solomon’s encouragement to understand yourself. He says that if you are a man of understanding, you’ll dive in and do the work. Why? 

Because it will change the way you relate to others. 

When we see why we do the things we do, we begin to understand that other people do what they do for a reason. When we consider our brokenness, trauma, hangups, hurts, and habits, we will start to understand that others have those same kinds of brokenness.

I love the way Brene Brown puts this. She says:

Self-compassion is key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we’re more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.

—Brené Brown

Learn to be gracious with yourself.  When you extend forgiveness and understanding to yourself it is the first step in learning to extend that to others.  We talked a little bit about this last week when we talked about having a critical spirit.  

My observation is that people who are critical generally grew up under a critical spirit and are often most critical of things in others that they struggle with.

Learn to be gracious with yourself and, in doing so you can begin to extend that to your spouse, your friends, your co-workers, etc.

Paul says this to the Ephesians:

Eph 4:2-3 (NLT)—Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.

In his letter to the Galatians, Paul reminds us that the ability to extend that kind of grace comes from spiritual maturity, not just human effort.  He says the Holy Spirit’s presence in us results in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

Real self-awareness and our ability to be less oblivious and more aware come from our God who examines our hearts and makes us self-aware of our hearts.

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Let me end with this: Maturity means pausing and praying before reacting—asking yourself some questions:

• What’s really happening inside me right now?
• What am I feeling right now? 
• Why am I feeling this way?  
• What is God wanting me to know right now?  
• What are some of my triggers?  Do I react when I’m hungry, tired, or when someone does something specific?  
• How do I talk about that trigger with my spouse or friend?

Self-awareness, becoming less oblivious and more aware, is a part of our spiritual maturity. Not only does it help shape our mindsets and control our emotions, but it also helps us know how to love others better so we’re not just on autopilot, banging guardrail to guardrail through people’s lives.

Let God transform your inner life so your relationships reflect His heart.

One final thought: I know that women are more naturally suited for this kind of work.  Talking about emotions and feelings comes easier for them, but listen men, this work is for you as much as it is for the women.  To some of this may sound like psychobabble but I want to challenge you, real men, men who want to be a godly husband, a godly father, a leader that others respect, and a man who, at the end of his life is identified as someone other men want to be like, will take the time to learn how to be less oblivious and more aware.