I’m a decent writer, and I’ve always enjoyed writing. One of the things that brings me great satisfaction is when I can edit what I write. I’m pretty good at finding all sorts of writing and grammar errors. I like efficiency in my writing. Sometimes I tend to be too wordy when I write, so looking at a paragraph and figuring out how to say what I mean with fewer words is fun for me.
I’m also good at finding other kinds of errors. For example, I’m often the only one in a room who sees that a picture is crooked, or a rug is folded in one corner. I notice when someone’s grammar or sentence structure is wrong, or they mispronounce a word. I don’t generally correct people (except in my head), but I notice.
There’s nothing wrong with understanding grammar rules or wanting the rug to look right. However, the problem comes when our desire to be right (AKA for things to be our way) translates to our relationships. When other people don’t do things our way, and our hearts become critical, we know we have developed a critical spirit.
Nothing damages a relationship like a critical spirit.
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This is week 3 in our series, The Thing About Relationships
Relationships can be hard, and there are some things that we need to know and put into practice if we want them to be healthy. It’s not rocket science, but good relationships require intentionality.
Good relationships require intentionality.
The first week of this series, I talked about intentionally becoming less distant and more present. Last week, Pastor Matt talked about becoming less selfish and more selfless. This week, I want to talk about intentionally becoming less critical and more kind.
Less Critical, More Kind
This is just a reminder: There are no perfect relationships. Why? Because relationships have people in them. Because people (you and me) are imperfect, we bring all those imperfections into our relationships. The magic sauce for having solid relationships is not necessarily becoming perfect, but understanding our imperfections and seeing how those wonky things in our personalities impact our relationships.
One of those wonky things can be a critical spirit, and nothing subtly damages a relationship like a critical spirit.
What is a critical spirit?
A critical spirit is a habitual attitude of finding fault, judging harshly, or focusing on others’ shortcomings without grace, self-reflection, or kindness. It’s a heart posture that tears down rather than builds up.
Jesus gives this clear warning against a critical spirit in the Sermon on the Mount.
Matt 7:1-5 (CSB)—“Do not judge, so that you won’t be judged. For you will be judged by the same standard with which you judge others, and you will be measured by the same measure you use. Why do you look at the splinter in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the beam of wood in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the splinter out of your eye,’ and look, there’s a beam of wood in your own eye? Hypocrite! First, take the beam of wood out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother’s eye.
There is a difference between being a critical thinker and being critical. Jesus is not warning against being a critical thinker. A critical thinker is someone who is able to use sound judgment and is able to see through flawed logic and spot the errors and untruths in people’s words.
You should be a critical thinker.
What Jesus is warning against is a tendency to be critical. He warns against being quick to point out someone’s mistakes or judging someone’s actions before you understand the full story. He warns against criticism void of grace, self-reflection, and kindness.
Jesus says the manner in which I judge is the way I will be judged.
Is it the manner in which I will be judged by God?
No. All my sins have been dealt with by the blood of Jesus on the Cross. God’s judgment for my sin, fell on Jesus.
Then who is going to judge me? People will. If I am critical of others, pointing out dirt on their feet with no intention of showing grace or kindness, I will find that same kind of judgment hurled at me.
A few verses later, Jesus says this a little more plainly:
Matt 7:12 (CSB)—Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do also the same for them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
Jesus then says criticism without self-reflection is hypocrisy.
“Why do you look at the splinter in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the beam of wood in your own eye?”
Criticism without self-reflection is a failure to see and acknowledge our own weaknesses and shortcomings while being quick to point out the weaknesses and shortcomings of others.
Jesus says, Guard against having a critical spirit.
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We have all been on the giving and receiving ends of a critical spirit.
If you are on the giving end of a critical spirit—in other words, you have a critical spirit—your criticism says I don’t respect you. You see the object of your criticism as not worthy of honor.
A critical spirit changes how we value the people we have relationships with.
A critical spirit changes how we value the people we have relationships with.
If you are the recipient of a critical spirit, you know the feeling in the pit of your stomach that comes when someone is quick to point out something you did wrong or a mistake you made. A person’s criticism can undermine trust and the desire for connection in a relationship.
A critical spirit can undermine trust and desire for connection in a relationship.
A critical spirit can also erode how we come to see ourselves.
Maybe you grew up in a household with someone who had a critical spirit, perhaps it felt like you couldn’t do anything right. The result for many who have been in that situation is that you become a people pleaser; you have a hard time setting boundaries in your relationships because you are afraid of disappointing someone.
You are overly hard on yourself because you have come to believe the criticism, so you push yourself harder so you can do better. You are afraid of being wrong. In a word, you have become a perfectionist.
Mark Batterson puts it this way:
“Nine times out of 10, criticism is a defense mechanism. We criticize in others what we don’t like in ourselves.”
― Mark Batterson
In my experience, many people with a critical spirit grew up in households where they were targets of a critical spirit.
A critical spirit hurts both the one criticizing and the one being criticized.
Clearly, this is no bueno for a marriage.
Instead of creating oneness, intimacy, and connection, a critical spirit creates division and separation, which are the antithesis, the opposite, of what God has in mind for marriage.
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How do you deal with a critical spirit?
1. Check Your Heart
Lk 6:43-45 (CSB)—A good tree doesn’t produce bad fruit; on the other hand, a bad tree doesn’t produce good fruit. For each tree is known by its own fruit. Figs aren’t gathered from thornbushes, or grapes picked from a bramble bush. A good person produces good out of the good stored up in his heart. An evil person produces evil out of the evil stored up in his heart, for his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.
Critical words spring from a critical heart. Reflect on your heart. What do you see that may be creating a critical heart? Is it pride? Is it a misunderstanding of God’s grace?
Look at what Paul says to the Ephesians about God’s grace towards us:
Eph 2:4-5 (CSB)—But God, who is rich in mercy, because of his great love that he had for us, made us alive with Christ even though we were dead in trespasses. You are saved by grace!
When God looks at us, it is not with a critical spirit—not because we’ve earned it or deserve it, but because of His love for us.
A little bit further in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he says this:
Eph 4:29-32 (CSB)—No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear. And don’t grieve God’s Holy Spirit. You were sealed by him for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.
We should speak life and show compassion and forgiveness to one another. Why? Because that is what has been done for us.
2. Check Your Mind
What is your mind dwelling on? When someone does something to you, are you easily offended? Are you constantly frustrated by people and situations, always seeing the negative side of things?
Paul reminds the Philippians of this:
Phil 4:8 (CSB)—Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell on these things.
That doesn’t mean we ignore the hard things in life like falsehood, injustice, and ugliness. It simply means we don’t dwell there, we don’t obsess over those things. Instead we seek the good, the positive and the praiseworthy.
Things can always be better, but King Solomon reminds us …
Prov 10:12 (CSB)—Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses.
And finally,
3. Check Your Motivation
Have you ever been convinced—I mean totally, absolutely, 100% convinced that you were right only to find out you were wrong? That is why checking your motives is so important.
Prov 16:2 (CSB)—All a person’s ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs motives.
When our motivation is wrong, we can convince ourselves that we are justified in our criticism. When we are convinced we are right it is easy to say harsh words because we think they are deserved.
Instead of being right, our motivation should always be for relationship. Ask yourself if the words about to come out of your mouth are meant to encourage relationship or are they meant to hurt? Is your goal to promote connection, or is your goal to prove a point?
I’ve said it many times: You can be right or you can have relationship. Which one do you want? Do you want to get your way at any cost? Do you want someone to do what you want them to do, even at the expense of your connection?
What’s your motivation? If your motivation is relationship then you can still have hard conversations. You can still have conflict and talk about hurt feelings and unfulfilled expectations and all the things that come up in a marriage if your motivation is restoration and healing and connection.
But if your motivation is to be right, to win at all costs, or to bend your spouse’s will to your own, then I guarantee you will have a critical spirit, and the words that come out of your mouth will not be words of life.
Here are four simple things to help you deal with your critical spirit:
- Pause and Pray: Before critiquing, ask God to check your heart, mind, and motives.
- Practice Grace: Assume the best of others’ intentions and extend forgiveness.
- Speak Life: Commit to saying something encouraging daily.
- Seek Accountability: Ask your spouse or a good friend to call you out when you’re overly critical.
Reflect:
- Have you had a critical spirit towards someone? Confess and repent. Ask God to make you more aware when you are about to dish out unwarranted criticism.
- Reflect on how criticism affected you. Has it made you a people pleaser—are you afraid of being wrong?
- Reflect on your heart. Are there unresolved hurts feeding your critical spirit? Pray for the Holy Spirit to cultivate kindness in you.
Chris Hankel 
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