The Way of Wisdom—Friendship

Few things in life are better than true friendship. If you have ever had a good friend, you know exactly what I am talking about.

Many years ago, I worked at a small church in Silverton, Oregon. This church hired me to be their youth pastor, and Stacey and I quickly assimilated into the life of the church and we began to build several good friendships. There was a city softball league, and I joined the church’s softball team. At one of the games, I struck up a conversation with a guy I did not know, and we started talking about our shared passion for backpacking. That evening, we planned a 4-day trip into the Eight Lakes Basin in the Cascades. That would be the first of many trips into the woods that Jim and I would take together.

Not only did we backpack together, but those trips were the catalyst for many hours that Jim, his wife Viola, Stacey, and I spent together—going on trips, eating dinner at their house, and playing rousing games of snort. They were many years our seniors, but they loved us well, mentored us, and always encouraged us—even when Stacey and I chose to leave Silverton to pursue a pastoral position in another city. Even though we moved out of Silverton, we still planned trips to their home. Jim and I continued to backpack, and our good friendship survived.

In 1994, my friend Jim was diagnosed with cancer, and after an arduous battle, just a few weeks after the birth of my daughter Madison, Jim passed away. His death left an unexpected hole in my life. I had a beautiful new daughter, and I had an amazing wife, but I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed and needed Jim’s friendship.

In our fast-paced culture, where many of us live with little to no margin, it is easy to forget how valuable a good friend can be. Often, even though we may long for a good friend, forging a good friendship can be difficult. Or sometimes, even worse than not having a good friend, we pick the wrong friends and then reap the result of those bad relationships in our lives.

Solomon says it this way:

Prov 13:20 (CSB)—The one who walks with the wise will become wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm.

Finding good friends that will lead us to Jesus is a beautiful thing.

Today is the last sermon in our summer series, The Way of Wisdom. We will look at what Proverbs says about Friendship.

When I shared some of my thoughts with Olivia, she commented that this is one of the most important sermons you may ever preach. What is life without relationships? All of life is about relationships. Today, we often settle for less than God’s design for friendship.

King Solomon, a man with unusual wisdom, recognized the value of friendship. He put it this way:

Prov 17:17 (CSB)—A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time.

It reminds me of what someone else said about friendship.

“A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body.”
—Unknown

I honestly don’t know why I think that’s so funny. But there is just something about the idea that someone would care enough about you that whatever happens and whatever you need, they are right there to help. We all long for that kind of friendship.

Friends enhance your life and are there when you need them. They will challenge you to be better. They will challenge you to know Jesus and to follow Him.

Prov 27:17 (CSB)—Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.

A real friend will tell you the truth, even if it is difficult to say, and they know it will be difficult for you to hear.

People who tell you what you want to hear are not good friends. People who tell you what you need to hear are good friends.

Prov 27:5-6 (CSB)—Better an open reprimand than concealed love. The wounds of a friend are trustworthy but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.

One of the things we all long for in friendship is loyalty. Many of us secretly worry about our value as a person and so we try to appear a certain way to our friends so we will find acceptance. We fear that if people really knew us, they would never want us, and perhaps even reject us. And so we trade who we really are for who we think people want us to be.

But a true friend knows us and accepts us for who we are. They are loyal. Solomon says it this way:

Prov 18:24 (CSB)—One with many friends may be harmed, but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother.

I probably don’t need to convince most of you that friendships are important, but I wonder if we have, in some ways, downgraded or maybe just forgotten the real value of a good friend, and we settle for shallow acquaintances rather than friendship.

According to the American Sociological Review:
The average American has only two close friends, and perhaps even more disturbing was the finding that 25 percent of Americans reported having no one to confide in.

Why is developing friendships often so hard for us? What are some roadblocks to friendship?

1. Increasingly less margin

We tend to pack our lives with more and more work hours, kids’ activities like traveling, sports teams, and other life demands. These things crowd out the resources we have available for other people. We often simply don’t have the capacity to have good relationships.

If you don’t have resources like time and energy to give to a relationship, then no matter how much you may want good friendships, you just don’t have room for them. If you don’t have anything to invest in people, it will be tough to build friendships.

2. The Lone Ranger mentality

For many of us men, this is a real thing. We don’t cultivate good friendships because we have a Lone Ranger mentality regarding relationships. In an essay entitled What Men Are For, Richard V. Reeves (not a Christian) talks about how his father demonstrated masculinity through his relationships and contrasts that with what he calls Lone Ranger masculinity.

“This relational masculinity contrasts with the masculine archetype of the Lone Ranger, especially salient in America, in which manhood is defined by fierce independence, even to the point of isolation. To discover oneself and step into adulthood, a man has to shake himself loose of social ties. It’s Thoreau in his cabin, the frontiersman riding alone, the cowboy out on the range, the astronaut alone in the vastness of space. It’s almost every role played by Kevin Costner. Lone Ranger masculinity rests on the assumption that in a state of nature, men would be wild and free.”
—Richard V. Reeves

He goes on to say there is a vast difference between this perception of fierce independence and reality. In reality, men don’t do well without relationships.

“But, in fact, the Lone Ranger is just lonely. Today 15 percent of young men say they have no close friends, up from just 3 percent in 1990. Single men have worse health, lower employment rates, and weaker social networks than married men. Drug-related deaths among never-married men more than doubled in a single decade, from 2010 to 2020. Divorce, now twice as likely to be initiated by wives as husbands, is psychologically harder on men than women.”
—Richard V. Reeves

In this last part, Reeves refers to marriage, but the point is that men do not thrive without relationships. One article I read said that strong friendships between men are, in many cases, more fulfilling than romantic relationships for men.

Both men and women are designed for relationships.

3. Social Media

Before I launch into a tirade on social media, just so you know, I’m going to tell you that I don’t like social media and then on Monday morning, you will see my blog post and message notes on our Facebook page. So let’s begin by being honest. Social media is a part of our lives and our culture. That is not going to change any time soon.

That said, I have a love/hate relationship with social media. There are some great upsides. One is that it is a great way to communicate and share ideas and information, like blog posts and sermon notes. Even though there are some good aspects, like so many things in our culture, there are some huge downsides.

The biggest downside is this: I believe, more than any other single factor, social media has wrecked our ability to do relationships. Why do I say that?

Social media relationships have become a substitute for relationships of substance.

Social media has short-circuited our ability to develop one-on-one, face-to-face, real-life relationships. Liking or commenting on a post is no substitute for sitting down with someone and having a real conversation. Meta, Google, and TicTok have all convinced us that the virtual world can be a substitute for the real world. It is not.

Recently, CBS News ran a story about “Phone Phobia” amongst Gen Z. In the story they said Research out of Australia shows that 90 percent of Gen Z are anxious about speaking on the phone, and some say an awkward phone call is one of the top three things they would want to avoid in life.

If I had a list of the top three things to avoid, it would include Boubonic Plage, death by fire, and being attacked by either a cougar or grizzly bear.

Many Gen Z are afraid to have a phone conversation. Social media has tried to remove the need for real interactions and communication. Commenting on a post is not communication that will lead to the kind of relationships that Solomon talks about in Proverbs. That is why, as more and more people look for connection on social media, more than ever, people feel isolated and lonely.

Social media has short-circuited our ability to deal with conflict.

I don’t have to tell you about the ranting and raging on social media. If you don’t like someone’s post or you don’t agree— no problem, you can call them every derogatory name you can think of, you can insult their momma, and you can spout inflammatory half-truths, and people think that’s normal behavior. Social media has short-circuited our ability to have a civil conversation about things we disagree on. And if you don’t like something someone says, you can just block them. Problem solved.

Problem not solved. Solving real problems requires face-to-face conversations; it requires vulnerability, honesty, and self-control.

Solomon talks frequently about loyalty.

Prov 27:9-10 (CSB)—Oil and incense bring joy to the heart, and the sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel. Don’t abandon your friend or your father’s friend, and don’t go to your brother’s house in your time of calamity; better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.

I like it from another translation:
Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy, for good friends are like the anointing oil that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence. So never give up on a friend or abandon a friend of your father— for in the day of your brokenness, you won’t have to run to a relative for help. A friend nearby is better than a relative far away.

On social media, it is simple to unfriend someone. As a result, we have lost the art of loyalty. We don’t stick with friends through their mess. We don’t hang in there with friends even though we may disagree. Sometimes, that involves setting boundaries and communicating your needs, but that is the art of relationship. Communicating those things while still pursuing relationship is a developed skill that social media does not encourage.

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Those are some of the roadblocks to developing friendships. But how do we cultivate good friendships? The kinds of friendships that Solomon talks about in Proverbs?

These three things are critical to cultivating good friendships. Although men and women approach these differently, in principle, they are the same.

1. Be Present

Cultivating good friendships is a face-to-face discipline—not thumbs to thumbs.

In Matt 4, Jesus sees two fishermen, Simon and Andrew, and goes over to them and says,
“Follow me, and I will make you fish for people.” It says that they immediately left their nets and followed him.

When Jesus invited the disciples into his circle, He didn’t say, here, read this book, and then we can start a Facebook group.

He said follow me. He invited them into a face-to-face relationship. He invited them to be present with Him. And because of that face-to-face relationship, the disciples’ lives were forever changed and they went on to change the planet.

There is power in presence.

Many times I have sat with families at the hospital as the people they love are in surgery, or lying in a bed recovering from an accident or even as their loved one is nearing the end of their earthly life. Frequently I don’t say much of anything but when it is all over you know what those families are most thankful for, my presence. Not any insightful or comforting words, just being present. Thanks for being there, they will say.

There is a difference between telling someone you will pray for them and taking time to pray for them right then and there because it is about being present.

And not just physically present but emotionally present. Here’s an idea: next time you are at lunch with your friend, turn off your phone. Don’t just set it to vibrate; turn it off.

At the end of your life, no one will care how many likes you got on that last selfie you took, but they will remember whether or not you were present.

Heb 10:24-25 (CSB)—And let us consider one another in order to provoke love and good works, not neglecting to gather together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day approaching.

Provoking love and good works in one another requires being together; it requires that you be present.

Being present could mean sharing a meal, going to coffee, helping a friend with a project on his house, or going backpacking together. The bottom line is that presence requires time and investment. Friendship requires presence.

2. Be Open

Being vulnerable, transparent, and open is not something we do naturally, especially for men. At some point in our lives, someone taught us it is not safe to be open. Our default is to try and impress people with our strengths, but in reality, we connect with people through our weaknesses.

James 5:16 (CSB)— Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is very powerful in its effect.
When we share our struggles with one another, James says we find healing. Sharing our struggles with people we trust disarms the enemy’s power of shame over us. Often, we carry a burden of secrets that we don’t want anyone to know because we are afraid that if they knew, they would reject us.

But the reality is that we have all sinned, and it doesn’t matter who you are and how good you think you are; if we stand next to Jesus, the prophet Isaiah says our righteousness is like filthy rags. That is why we all need a savior, and we all need Jesus.

When we share our hangups, our hurts, and our habits with people we trust, there is a shared experience in our struggle with sin that disarms the enemy’s power over us and draws us together into relationship.

And finally,

3. Be a Friend

The book of Ruth is as much about the friendship between Naomi and Ruth as it is about anything else. Naomi’s son was married to Ruth so Naomi was Ruth’s mother-in-law. Ruth’s husband dies and Naomi tells Ruth she should return to her own mother’s home and re-marry.

Ruth 1:16-17 (CSB)—Don’t plead with me to abandon you or to return and not follow you. For wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you live, I will live; your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD punish me, and do so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.

Ruth was a loyal friend.

If you want loyal friends, be a loyal friend.
If you want friends who will point you to Jesus, be a friend who points people to Jesus.
If you want faithful friends, be a faithful friend.
If you want friends who will tell you the truth about you, be a friend who isn’t afraid to tell the truth.
If you want friends who will help you move a body, be a friend who will help move a body.

If you want friends, be a friend.

All of this takes time and investment in other people’s lives. Some of you may wonder if it is worth the investment, but all I can say is that we are designed for this.

We are designed for relationship. Men, we need relationships with other men; ladies, you need relationships with other ladies. Don’t let the enemy rob you of friendships that will ultimately lead you to becoming more like Jesus.